You Don’t Have to Do it All – Learning to Say No

“Hey, can you do me a favor?” We hear it all of the time. Everyone thinks military families are loaded with spare time and energy. All I’m doing is swimming knee-deep in laundry, dishes, school projects, pay problems, volunteer duties, and doctor appointments. Did I mention I am doing this all by myself because my loved one is serving our country! I have all the time in the world for everyone else, right? Wrong!

No wonder we are so stressed – we’re afraid to say NO.” A two-letter word, which I seem to have no problem saying to my kids or spouse, so how come it’s so hard to say to those who live outside our front door? “No” is a very powerful and very freeing word.

How strange that people often assume you have increased availability given that you are a volunteer.  How many unwanted things have you ended up doing because you didn’t say “no”? Most of the time we say ‘yes’ because we can’t think of any reason for not cooperating.

The main reason for saying no should be that the request to do does not fit into our goals. At first this may seem like a selfish response. Yet if our priorities are straight, then we will have already taken into account the needs and goals of others, at least those goals to which we are able to respond in a reasonably appropriate and effective manner. Learning to say “no” also involves accepting your own capabilities.

Say No – Firmly and Frequently
No should be said often. Why? It’s liberating! It’s a way of standing up for yourself. Try it on for size. Repeat the following, “No, I will not take on one more task which will completely mess up my already scheduled day!” “No, I will not allow you to plan my day for me.” “No, I will not.” Get the picture? No allows you to reclaim some of your lost free time. If you don’t find yourself saying it often enough – get busy! They sometimes forget you are not their personal assistant, maid, chauffer, launderer, accountant, etc.

Tips to say ‘No’
Here is a smart way to determine what you can truly commit to: Say you will check your calendar and call the individual back later. When you are not making a quick decision and have time to really mull things over, you’ll be surprised at how many of these “great” opportunities don’t really seem so great.

Don’t take something on simply because you can squeeze it into an already busy schedule. Sometimes it is best to say “no” to something that might only be a drain on your reserves, of time or emotions! By saving your “yes” decisions for things that you can give your all to, you are not only doing a favor to yourself, but to whomever is requesting your help.

On your personal scheduling system,  make sure to have both your work and personal goals and activities scheduled in. This allows you to say, “Let me check my planner.” And then reply with, “Oh, it looks like I am booked at that time (that day, that week, that hour, etc)”. Don’t feel obliged to give explanations – just a simple I am booked at this time will do. Remember this includes personal time. It is just as important to respect yourself by including time for a massage or a lunch date with a friend, as it is to include time for a doctor’s appointment.

Friends, family, command and other families may make this difficult for you. “Well what are you doing? Why can’t you do it? Why can’t you come?” Stick with your guns. Simply say, “I am sorry I can’t at that time. Maybe it will work out in the future.” Don’t feel obliged to give details unless you want to.

Allow your decisions to be pro-active (in your control) rather than re-active (in someone else’s control). This gives you a chance to look at your priorities and see if this opportunity fits.