14 things not to say to a military wife

A friend sent this to me. I don’t know the original author, but it is great!

1. ‘Aren’t you afraid that he’ll be killed?’
(This one ranks in at number one on the ‘duh’ list. Of course we’re afraid. We’re terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our minds —but thanks brilliant, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they’re scared of dying.)

2. ‘I don’t know how you manage. I don’t think I could do it.’
(This is intended to be a compliment. Though, its just a little annoying. Here’s why: it’s not like all of us military wives have been dreaming since childhood of the day we’d get to be anxious single moms who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom and in the shower. We’re not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices.)

3. ‘At least he’s not in Iraq.’
(This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands are in Afghanistan. What do they think is happening in Afghanistan? An international game of golf? Guys are fighting and dying over there.)

4. ‘Do you think he’ll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?’
(Don’t you watch the news? No! They don’t get to come home for any of these things. Please don’t ask again.)

5. ‘What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he’s gone?’
(Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there’s a military wife out there who gets bored when her husband leaves, but I have yet to meet her. For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don’t get bored, and drinking massive amounts of wine always helps keep me busy.)

6. ‘How much longer does he have until he can get out?’
(This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren’t counting down the days until they ‘can’ get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back to Iraq b/c there is work that needs to be done.)

7. ‘This deployment shouldn’t be so bad, now that you’re used to it.’
(Sure, we do learn coping skills and its true the more deployments you’ve gone through, the easier dealing with it becomes. And we figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets ‘easy’ and the bullets and bombs don’t skip over our guys just because they’ve been there before. The worry never goes away.)

8. ‘My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you’re going through.’
(This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband’s three week trip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. With a 12-15 month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercial plane, slept between crisp white sheets and ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it. Comparing a 12 month combat deployment to a few weeks business trip is like comparing a shitty ford Taurus with Mercedes convertible.)

9. ‘Wow you must miss him?’
(This one also gets another big ‘duh’. Of course we miss our men. There are some wives who do not and they’re now divorced.)

10. ‘Where is he exactly? Where is that?’
(I don’t expect non-military folks to be able to find Anbar Province on a map, but they should know by now that it’s in Iraq. Likewise, know that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Mutada al Sadr is the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq and that Sadr City is his home area. Know that Iran is a major threat to our country and that it is located between Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has been at war in Afghanistan for seven years and at war in Iraq for five years. These basic facts are not secrets, they’re on the news every night and in the papers every day —and on maps everywhere.)

11. ‘Well, he signed up for it, so it’s his own fault whatever happens over there.
(Yes, ignorant, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid comments like that. He didn’t sign up and ask to be hit by anything, he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you that ‘You’re welcome.’ He’s still fighting for your freedom.)

12. ‘Don’t you miss sex! I couldn’t do it!’
(hmmm, no i don’t miss sex. i’m a robot. seriously…military spouses learn quickly that our relationships must be founded on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night. And the hard truth is, most relationships probably couldn’t withstand 12 months of sex deprivation.)

13. ‘Well in my opinion…..’
(Stop right there. Yo, I didn’t ask for you your personal political opinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocery store, not in Jamba Juice, not at Nordstrom, not in a bar when I’m out with my girls trying to forget the war, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tell co-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours running our asses off doing errands and taking care of the house, dog, and kids, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues because we are giving an invitation to ramble about politics or because we so eagerly want to hear how much they hate the President, esp. while we’re trying to heat up our lean cuisines in the crappy office microwaves.)

last but not least….

14. ‘OH, that’s horrible…I’m so sorry!’
(He’s doing his job and he’s a badass. Don’t be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize that our soldiers fight the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad.)

If you want to say anything, say thank you.

Giving Back to Veterans

Giving Back – Great Article in Times Mag

Military Handbooks

Here’s a link with great info!

http://www.militaryhandbooks.com

Military Kids

Washington Examiner
April 11, 2008

The 3-Minute Interview: Linda Davidson

By Dan Genz

Linda Davidson is the co-founder of Our Military Kids, a McLean-based nonprofit organization delivering grants of $500 or less to the children of National Guard members and Army reservists serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. The Pentagon honored Davidson and co-founder Gail Kruzel this week for distributing more than $1 million in the last three years.

How did you get involved in this project?

I was setting up another project dealing with military families that gave me the occasion to speak to spouses of deployed National Guardsmen. They shared the stories of the difficulties they were having with their children.

Why provide small grants to children for activities like youth sports?

We started this program in the hopes that the child can begin something new so they can get engaged in things that serve as a distraction when Mommy or Daddy are gone.

How do the grants make a difference?

It’s interesting how the parent who is not there shares the child’s experience. Children learning karate or piano, they really take pride in sharing their progress in that, and the child is very proud when Daddy comes home and they can come to a recital or tournament.

Do you have any family in the military?

I do not, and that’s part of the reason why I’m doing what I’m doing. My family has been very blessed, and the only way we’ve been affected by 9/11 are the longer lines at the airport. When I was speaking with these families, I was thinking how thankful we were that we have families who are willing to make huge sacrifices.

Do the kids appreciate the grants?

Absolutely. It’s easy for parents to tell our children you’re making a sacrifice, but to have somebody, a national organization removed from the family, recognize them for the service they’re doing for our country means a lot to them.

Looking for Vets

There is a court reporter & interview transcriber. She is working on an awesome project to interview / transcribe stories especially from WWI and WWII veterans to publish for the Library of Congress. They are happy to interview any veterans from foreign war, but she is focusing on WWI & WWII due to the fact that this generation’s age. I am helping her look for veterans to interview and students to do the interviewing. She suggests that the students be at least the age of Sophomores or older due to potential graphic content of the stories.

If you know of any veterans who would like to be interviewed or have contacts to schools/students/organizations who would be interested, please let me know & I’ll hook you up with her.

Email Jen at  weisjen@charter.net

Say Thank You

http://www.gratitudecampaign.org/fullmovie.php

I thought this was very cool!

Old Faithful Erupts in My Front Yard

Men are Mars. Women are from Venus.

You know this phrase. You’ve probably even read the book. We have our roles. I mop the floor, he mows the lawn. I clean toilets; he refills the oil in the car. There are little jobs that each of you do that makes your family work. I don’t explain to my husband my theories behind why I choose that particular wall decoration and I never really wanted to know why he blew out the sprinkling system in the fall. Well, now I know.

It was just another afternoon at work, when I received a phone call from one of my neighbors. “Your front yard is flooding” she proclaimed.  I paused and thought to my self, now why is my front yard flooding, it is 22 degrees and there is snow on the ground. Then it hit me. Oh No! I forgot to turn off the sprinklers.

While I raced home, I cursed my husband in everyway possible. Why didn’t he remind me to turn off the sprinklers from a war zone? Why did he have to leave? I can’t remember everything.  I can’t do it all. Why didn’t he write that on list of the stuff I had to remember to do while he was gone? Oh yeah, he didn’t leave me a list like that.  In any case, this was his fault.

It’s dark, snowing and about 20 degrees outside, when I pulled in my driveway to find my wonderful neighbor knee deep in mud, with water shooting out of the ground; you would have thought Old Faithful had just erupted in my front yard. He is anxiously trying to figure out where the valve to turn off my sprinkler was, as he is getting sprayed in the face with VERY cold water.

All I could do was stand there and cry. Why was this happening to me? This is the part where I am sure my neighbor was thinking why don’t you shut up, pick up a shovel and help me dig.

But I didn’t, all I could do was think why me? Why now? So I did what any wife with a husband overseas would do. Jumped on the computer and emailed my husband to scream at him.

From: Meagen
To: Jay

HELP, HELP, HELP. Our sprinklers have burst. Water is everywhere. CONTACT ME ASAP.

Love Your Desperate Wife.

Now think about it. What is my husband, a half a world away, going to do about the fountain of water pouring out of my flowerbed? I receive this email in return.

From: Jay
To: Meagen

Turn it off. Have it repaired in the spring.

Jay

That’s it. No, sorry honey this happened. I’ll fly right home and fix it message. Duh. I thought I’d let it run all winter. What a stupid reply.  How could he say something like that? Our neighbor had it under control. He was turning it off. He was my knight in shining waterproof boots. YOU, You should be turning it off. That’s your job. You’re the HUSBAND!

I am sure you are thinking, what horrible thoughts to think about your husband, while he is defending our country. But when, you realize that another women’s husband is braving Old Faithful and wadding through the muddy tar pits, to save what is left of your sprinkling system, that you should have remembered to turn off 3 weeks earlier, then you have a greater understanding for why it was just easier to blame my husband for leaving.

The Power of Teamwork

When you see a successful FRG, it’s because of Teamwork. They are helping each other, working together and accomplishing a common goal. This awesome video is about teamwork inspired by the Blue Angels. If you are looking for an inspiring way to incorporate team work or strengthen your team, check out this video.

Non Profit Overload

A good friend of mine was telling me how often her company is asked for donations for family support groups and other military non-profits. She was frustrated by not knowing if they were really going to be helping military families. She was also amazed by the amount of them. Some of them are doing some incredible things for families and others aren’t. If you are wondering a good site to check out military non-profits is www.americasupportsyou.mil

You Don’t Have to Do it All – Learning to Say No

“Hey, can you do me a favor?” We hear it all of the time. Everyone thinks military families are loaded with spare time and energy. All I’m doing is swimming knee-deep in laundry, dishes, school projects, pay problems, volunteer duties, and doctor appointments. Did I mention I am doing this all by myself because my loved one is serving our country! I have all the time in the world for everyone else, right? Wrong!

No wonder we are so stressed – we’re afraid to say NO.” A two-letter word, which I seem to have no problem saying to my kids or spouse, so how come it’s so hard to say to those who live outside our front door? “No” is a very powerful and very freeing word.

How strange that people often assume you have increased availability given that you are a volunteer.  How many unwanted things have you ended up doing because you didn’t say “no”? Most of the time we say ‘yes’ because we can’t think of any reason for not cooperating.

The main reason for saying no should be that the request to do does not fit into our goals. At first this may seem like a selfish response. Yet if our priorities are straight, then we will have already taken into account the needs and goals of others, at least those goals to which we are able to respond in a reasonably appropriate and effective manner. Learning to say “no” also involves accepting your own capabilities.

Say No – Firmly and Frequently
No should be said often. Why? It’s liberating! It’s a way of standing up for yourself. Try it on for size. Repeat the following, “No, I will not take on one more task which will completely mess up my already scheduled day!” “No, I will not allow you to plan my day for me.” “No, I will not.” Get the picture? No allows you to reclaim some of your lost free time. If you don’t find yourself saying it often enough – get busy! They sometimes forget you are not their personal assistant, maid, chauffer, launderer, accountant, etc.

Tips to say ‘No’
Here is a smart way to determine what you can truly commit to: Say you will check your calendar and call the individual back later. When you are not making a quick decision and have time to really mull things over, you’ll be surprised at how many of these “great” opportunities don’t really seem so great.

Don’t take something on simply because you can squeeze it into an already busy schedule. Sometimes it is best to say “no” to something that might only be a drain on your reserves, of time or emotions! By saving your “yes” decisions for things that you can give your all to, you are not only doing a favor to yourself, but to whomever is requesting your help.

On your personal scheduling system,  make sure to have both your work and personal goals and activities scheduled in. This allows you to say, “Let me check my planner.” And then reply with, “Oh, it looks like I am booked at that time (that day, that week, that hour, etc)”. Don’t feel obliged to give explanations – just a simple I am booked at this time will do. Remember this includes personal time. It is just as important to respect yourself by including time for a massage or a lunch date with a friend, as it is to include time for a doctor’s appointment.

Friends, family, command and other families may make this difficult for you. “Well what are you doing? Why can’t you do it? Why can’t you come?” Stick with your guns. Simply say, “I am sorry I can’t at that time. Maybe it will work out in the future.” Don’t feel obliged to give details unless you want to.

Allow your decisions to be pro-active (in your control) rather than re-active (in someone else’s control). This gives you a chance to look at your priorities and see if this opportunity fits.